Waterdaughter
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Waterdaughter
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7/27/2005 - I'm rather bummed out because I missed a phone call from my mom, who is currently touring Europe! I must have been outside warming up when she called because I never heard the phone ring :-( Love you Mom & am looking forward to hearing about the trip when you get back home! Tomorrow's the radioactive day ... so this will probably be the last rambling from me until after my isolation period is up. Today has been going really fast because I've actually been doing something other than dozing off. So far I've made a batch of muffins to eat for breakfast the next couple mornings, along with apples - I've vacuum packed 4 meals and still have 4 more to make and vacuum pack (helps to avoid them being spilled in the fridge accidentally and easier to nuke and get into my isolation room without spilling. I washed all my whites to make washing separately what I wear during the RAI period easier for me. I even cleaned out all of the litter pans! (That's the only part of owning cats that I really don't like...) Right now I'm in the process of setting up bills to pay online Friday because I won't be able to be downstairs to actually do it Friday... My head is spinning and I'm really afraid that I'm going to forget something important, but I have found every list that I've written over the past two weeks and double checked that everything has been done or is being worked on tonight. I have decided on what I want to eat after my appointment with the endocrinologist on the 4th ... Arby’s Sirloin Cheesesteak Sandwich & Onion Petals!!!!!!! Doesn't that just sound yummy and decadent and bad for me?? I'm starting to drool just thinking about it and suppose my taste buds are setting me up for a horrible disappointment .... but it sounds SO good right now!!! Ok, finished setting up all the online payments ... It took 3 years to get into this financial pit but it's going to take about 10 years to dig back out ~ bless the banks and bankers because they NEED to be blessed. Rather than get all pissy and cynical, I think I'll go put together 4 more meals to pack up for the upcoming days. Love & hugs y'all ... see you in about 4 or 5 days :-) 7/25/2005 - This morning I did a little selfish shopping and bought a 13-inch color TV for the bedroom, plus a pair of 2-way radios. The plan is for Scott to have one radio with him and I'll have the other with me during my self isolation - so when I need to leave the bedroom for any reason I can beep him to move the dogs outside and make sure the cat is downstairs before I venture out, then beep him again when it is safe for the animals to be back upstairs again... I know Scott was kind of bummed that I'll be radioactive during the 3 days that he doesn't work, but I'm actually relieved that it worked out that way - I feel better knowing that he is on animal patrol. I had to test the TV to make sure I had it set up correctly and will be able to both see and hear the picture while in bed ... I'm happy to announce that it works perfectly! From the pages of RAW "The sports-entertainment world lost a true great when Lord Alfred Hayes passed away last week at the age of 76. ... He was the perfect Englishman. He spoke Queen’s English and never spoke a bad word in his life. Sometimes we would be golfing and he would miss a short putt. Rather than swearing, which he never did, he would pick up the ball and say ‘you’re a beast. You’re supposed to go into the hole.’ He was a very proud man that never asked for anything. I know that Alfred fought courageously to the end, denying any help, so that when he left this world, he’d have his head held high when he entered his new world. He was just that kind of a guy, very gracious and noble." That's the kind of person I would like to be more like ... the kind that can face every challenge and upset with dignity, grace and calm. I have a fuzzy recollection of what I did yesterday ... it is almost as if the day never happened... I think I just lounged around while Scott washed clothes and got ready for the work week. OH, it stormed most of the night ... that part I remember. Awesome lightening display and thunder so loud the walls shook ... and I was able to sleep through most of it. I forgot to check the rain gauge and it rained again this afternoon, so I'm not sure how much it actually rained here. 7/23/2005 - Today was more productive than I imagined it could be :-) I sorted through 3 boxes that I had stored on the shelf in my closet. I tossed out a bunch of really old makeup and perfume! Quite a day for such a pack-rat!!! I felt so empowered that I took a nap shortly after finishing... I was amazed at how much stuff I am able to pack into boxes and sat there pondering where I had displayed it all when I lived with Elton and Jeanette because my room there was not very big, yet I had room for pretty much everything. Sad, isn't it, that I have lived in this house for just over 5 years and am only just getting around to those 3 boxes? I started putting pictures that I took of a trip to the Omaha Zoo back in 1997 when Elton and I went down there with Doug and his girlfriend at the time, Toni, into a memory book and quickly realized why I had pretty much stopped working on my memory books ... very little left in the way of adhesives! I'm working on getting those supplies replenished, but have enough to get that trip put in the memory book. It really is a trip I will not forget in a while because the entire time I was hearing everything as if I was underwater. I was uncomfortable and frustrated ~ didn't make very good company I'm afraid. Elton understood and patient with me, but I don't think Doug ever really understood... water long since under the dam and all part of my memories of that trip. Scott received a bit of happy news today by way of the US postal service. He received a little piece of paper confirming that his drivers license has been released (so he can go get a SD license now!) plus he is also eligible to get a fishing license!! He was very happy, so I'm glad he saved that envelope for last because the other 3 envelopes were telling him how much was going to be deducted from his check in child support payments... With gas prices climbing steadily and neither truck being easy on gas, my guess is that the Mid West Railcar will be receiving an application again in a week or two. We'll see what happens there. I made potato flake paste to go with my pork chop and it was then that I started craving milk, butter and cheese!!!!! You have no idea how much I miss cheese!!!!!!!!!!!! Stringy, ooey, gooey cheese melted all over my potato ~ LET THE WAILING BEGIN ~ I'm thinking that come Friday, August 5th, the very first thing I'm going to do is fry an egg, toast some normal bread and stuff my egg sandwich with cheese!!! I miss eggs too, but to a much lesser extent. GIMME CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 7/22/2005 - Want to know what I think really sucks? Taking a 2 hour nap and waking up more tired than when you took the nap. I had a follow up appointment with the ENT today and she was very pleased with the way the incision is scarring. She also felt no additional lumps or bumps, but only the upcoming whole body scan will tell us for sure what the status of this cancer is. I'm hopeful that it didn't spread and will only need one dose of the RAI. I stopped by work on my way home after the appointment to drop off the wedding gift I made for Heather and Justin, since I'll be radioactive the weekend of their wedding and unable to attend. Kind of bums me out that I'll have to miss it, but I'm hoping that she will bring pictures in so I can see after I return to work, which may be in as little as 3 weeks. I guess it frustrates me that no one can say, with any certainty, how much longer I will actually have to be gone from work. As I was talking to my boss, I realized how nervous and excited I am about going back to work and relearning things - plus learning new things because that is the nature of our business. But I was freezing and didn't think to carry a sweater into the building so didn't really stay all that long. I've done little today, other than go to the appointment and swing by work and yet I felt drained all afternoon. I'm so glad that I was put on Cytomel during the 4 weeks that I was because if the way I felt today was any indication of how much worse I would have felt during those weeks I think Scott would have to be pushing me around in a wheelbarrow at this point. Being this sluggish BITES and I hope I never have to go through it to this extent again, but am guessing that I'll have to be retested about every 6 months for a year or so. I'm pretty much out of the low iodine food, and the sad thing is I don't feel like doing much other than boiling water and even that took energy tonight. I should have made more food in advance I guess ... or maybe hired someone to cook for me (yeah, like I would ever be able to afford that luxury). Oh well, I'll be ok because it is only for another 2 weeks and frozen fruits and veggies require very little effort. Ok, I'm out of things to ramble about so I'm done for the night. Love & hugs y'all 7/20/2005 - Mom leaves for Switzerland tomorrow... I hope she takes lots of pictures :-) I'm really excited for her because that's where both sides of the family is from (well, primarily because there is some German, English, Dutch and other nationalities mixed in there to a lesser degree). Maybe some day I'll get there also, but I'm happy that Mom was given this opportunity through the singing group she is a member of, the Swiss Singers, from Monroe. They will be performing while in Switzerland, so that will be cool too! I slept for over 10 hours last night and I'm extremely tired again tonight, so won't type much. I started sorting my pictures, photos and snapshots today and quickly began to feel overwhelmed! I have so many pictures of both sides of the family, going back several generations ... I just don't know where to start. Should I try to keep events together or just group by family members and do my best to journal? Ok, I feel like my brain is going to explode and most of you are probably thinking "why get all stressed out and upset" ... I say this because I'm thinking it myself. It's like all rational thought has left me and I'm left with fairly raw emotions, coupled by confusion... YIKES. It's not unusual for me to get up and go into the kitchen and forget why I went into the kitchen, but I almost always remember ... today I just stood there and cried because I could not, for the life of me, remember why I was in the kitchen... see, not rational at all. Completely unrelated train of thought ... I'm toying with the idea of changing my website into more of an actual journal where each of my little ramblings would get their own special page, and where friends and family (or enemies I suppose) could also leave their thoughts and stories... The one that is most interesting to me is "MyScrapbook" but I couldn't get it to work for me and if I can't make it work in the first hour I scrap the idea because it becomes more work than it is worth to me ... knowhatimean? Anywho, I'm going to toddle off to find my flannel jammies (thanks for the flannel night shirt Sis ... I've been using it this week because I've been freezing) and make some chamomile tea with honey and get some more sleep. Love & hugs 7/19/2005 - Yesterday afternoon I decided that since I can't afford a convertible sofa for the 3rd bedroom I would turn it into a clean and quiet place to get some much needed book work done. (I scrapped the futon bunk bed idea because the ceiling fan is in the middle of the room and the bunk bed is high enough and wide enough for it to be a problem no matter how I placed the bed.) At any rate, my number one thing to NOT do ever again ... 1a) forget to write every transaction down in my checking account register at the time of the transaction 1b) put off balancing my checkbook for 8 months. Why? Because it took me 8 hours to get everything figured out and balanced. Now that my checking account is all current and pretty again (empty but pretty) I think that area will be the perfect place to sort photos and I have a ton of them! Brain is on auto pilot right now, so not going to try to think of things to ramble on about... 7/18/2005 - About an hour after I posted my ramblings on Saturday, Scott shut down his computer and we headed off to Sioux Falls. It was 98 degrees (Fahrenheit) and I was in no mood to wander parking lots, so we decided that car shopping was something that he will do alone. Shopping for a replacement VCR didn't go much better, so we picked up various items we needed, including the salt free egg substitute that I finally found at Wal-Mart, instead. Scott and I were both starving and I'm pretty sure that Famous Dave's food isn't iodine free, but I tried to make careful choices. Oh yeah, I made my own salt free mustard too! I am not sure what I expected, but it is about as hot as Chinese Mustard!! Pretty good actually. Yesterday was SO exciting! Because I need to eat special food right now, most commercial bread is off limits, so on Saturday I was going to make a special multi grain bread. Several months ago I had bought a 5lb bag of Stone Ground Whole Wheat, but never opened it, so assumed that it would be ok to use. When I picked up the back flour "poofed" out at me along with those horrible bugs that seem to grow in flour! So yeah, I tossed the bag and bought new flour on Sunday. I only needed 2 cups of the Whole Wheat flour and have now learned that it doesn't have a great shelf life ... so I vacuum packed the rest of the flour in quart jars! I had so much fun that I vacuum packed the corn meal and light brown sugar too (think I still have a bag of the darker brown sugar that I should probably vacuum pack, but I'm not sure). Oh, and the shredded cheddar cheese that we had bought at Satin's Pantry ... that's now all vacuum packed in quart jars too! Sad, sad thing that I thought it was an exciting day, isn't it... Yesterday and today I noticed that I have a little less energy everyday ... nothing horrible, but definitely noticeable. I think I'm going to go take a nap before bedtime. Love & hugs
7/16/2005 - Today is Day Three of my journey into Hypoland, and honestly, it's been pretty the same as before I went off meds, I seem to tire a little easier, but not horrible. Yesterday I weighed myself and found that I had gained 4 pounds in a week, so decided that walking was now a must do, not a should do anymore ... so I put 20 minutes on the treadmill ... just finished my 20 for today too. I just wish I was a bigger fan of exercise - I mean it's not that I can't do it, it's that I hate doing it - even though I know all the benefits, I still hate doing it. But I know I have to start forcing myself to at least walk. The LID diet is harder to follow than I thought it would be because so many foods have salt added (the biggest no no on the diet). Scott found a no salt added ketchup ... I didn't even look at the brand, just picked it up and walked on to the next item I needed. He started giggling and making fun of me because it's Heinz and I hate the way Heinz ketchup tastes - love Heinz 57 sauce but it's too expensive to use the way I use ketchup so I don't buy it either ... anyway, he thinks it's because I dislike Teresa Heinz Kerry - what can I say, the woman rubbed me the wrong way during the 2004 presidential campaign - but I honestly don't like the way their ketchup tastes. Anyway, did you know that there is no salt free mustard to be found in the entire city of Sioux Falls? I really thought that the only health / organic foods store would have a salt free version, but NO - that would be to easy, wouldn't it. So, instead of continuing the search, I'm going to try making my own salt free mustard. I thought we were going to go into Sioux Falls today to comparison shop for a new VCR, but Scott's been playing computer games since he woke up (he's entitled, I mean he puts in 10 hour work days with a 2 hour commute every day) ... the day's not over yet and we can always go tonight. We also need to start looking for a cheap, yet reliable, vehicle for him to drive to Madison once I am back at work. My thoughts are jumping around in my head like rubber balls in a box on top of a speaker pumping out thundering bass at a biker party! Think I'll end this now and fix me some lunch, so more later - maybe not today, but definitely later ;-) Love & hugs! 7/14/2005 - Day One off meds and on LID - I am having a really hard time staying away from things I know I shouldn't eat right now, like baked potato -- really, who takes the time to make a baked potato and then throws away the skin because it has too much iodine? Oh, and cheese, I love cheddar cheese and we have a HUGE bag of it in the fridge that we bought at Sam's two days before I did the research and found out about the LID and that all dairy is a no no. The milk isn't such a big deal to me, but I was actually starting to get used to it and now have a gallon of milk that I can't use for 3 weeks ... odds on how drinkable it will be by the end of the 3 weeks? (Hopefully Scott will be able to use it instead of us having to dump it out. I don't think this is related to this being Day One, but my head feels like it is about to split in two and I'm really crabby - I'm kind of glad I have the house to myself because it is so much easier for me to mope around and just be crabby when I'm alone. Helps me to get it all out of my system. I received a phone call from the Met Life representative regarding my Short Term Disability ... they had only approved it until the 25th, which will be the beginning of my second full week off meds as well as only 3 days before the radiation treatment. It has graciously been extended until July 31 ... wow, a whole 3 days after I become radioactive (here I thought I had to stay isolated for 5 days)! I guess that extra week is to allow Dr. Helvig time to write up her notes following my appointment on the 22nd, but no one will know how my body is going to react to the RAI until AFTER I am given the treatment. Yet another exercise in patience ... I'm trying, I swear I am, but I'm growing weary of all the paperwork and red tape and the fact that it is all completely beyond my control other than to place annoying phone calls to everyone but Santa to make sure that my disability claim isn't suddenly denied because someone some where didn't get some piece of paper. I lead such a thrilling life, don't I? It seems to revolve around test results and insurance claims and preparations for upcoming tests ... I just want things to be simple again. You know, to run under a tree after a heavy rain and shake the lowest branch as hard as possible just because it seems like the thing to do. I remember doing that as a kid. There wasn't much else to do on the farm (other than chores) to keep entertained during the summer, but that was something that I just loved... Ahh well... I think I'm going to go be crabby upstairs, for now at least. Love & hugs 7/12/2005 - I love this web site --> Thyroid Cancer Songbook <-- She's funny and inspirational to me. Be sure to click on her Songs & Humor link. I don't really have a favorite and I actually hope I don't go that "hypo". The reason I was put on Cytomel for 4 weeks was to minimize my hypo symptoms while my body was getting rid of the T4 hormone. Cytomel only takes about 2 weeks to leave the system, while Synthroid takes 6 to 8 weeks. No point in worrying about it, I'll just have to deal with it as it comes ... right? Obtaining copies of my medical records is proving to be easier than I had expected, a little more costly, but easier. Since my primary physician is in the same town I live in, it was a quick 15 minute trip to get those records... it's a but surreal to read through them and find myself referred to as "a pleasant obese woman". I only found 2 mentions of having a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test done and only one of those listed the resulting number. I found that it was even easier to get copies of my lab results and other notes from my endo, as all I did was call and she said she would get them sent out today! My ENT, on the other hand, will require a trip into Sioux Falls to sign a "release of information" form and within 24 hours they will have my records copied and sent. I guess I could plan a trip to the grocery store for tomorrow morning so that I'm all prepared for the next few weeks of LID ... Chicken, lots of chicken dishes - and fresh fruits and veggies. I hope I am able to get several meals prepared tomorrow because after my burned noodles last night I'm not sure I'm going to be safe in the kitchen! Talk about a nasty pan to try to get cleaned... icky, plus it really smelled bad. I had a pretty bad headache late last night and another one hit me around noon ... now my stomach is all bubbly and upset. I pray that this is not an example of what is to come because I hate feeling like this. I don't want to dwell on it, so changing topic... Last night I purged 2 boxes of paperwork & unsorted mail ... I admit it, for a long time my kitchen table has served as a mail dumping ground and when I go to clear it off, instead of actually sorting everything out while I'm clearing the table, I just dump everything in a box and hide it away. I purged another box this afternoon and am planning on going through one more box yet tonight. It helps take my mind off my aching head and back, plus I am in a rather non-sentimental mood recently, so don't get hung up on charities or things of that nature. Basically, unless it is a magazine I actually plan on reading, correspondence from a friend, a bill or insurance / medical related it gets shredded. I've created 4 bags of shredded paper so far!! I still have several boxes to go, but I feel like I'm off to a fairly good start. Ok, I'm off to burn my dinner again ;-) *~*~*~*~ Love & hugs to all ~*~*~*~* 7/11/2005 - Today I decided to do more online research about what to expect over the next two weeks and it has pretty much consumed my entire day! One thing my doctors failed to mention to me was that I need to follow a fairly strict LID (Low Iodine Diet) during the weeks that I'm off meds including the 5 days after the RAI treatment. I'm kind of pissed off about that now that I think about it, because I distinctly remember asking Dr. O if I had to go on a low sodium diet, which should have prompted him to suggest a LID for that time period. I just finished reading "TOP 10 TIPS FOR THYCA NEWBIES" on the Thyca · Thyroid Cancer Support Group forums (Please note that in order to read the top ten tips, you may have to join that particular YAHOO group first.) One of the tips is to maintain a thyca journal, which is something I sort of started to do, but didn't get any of my labs or other reports ... which is something I hope to be able to get via a couple phone calls rather than back and forth letters and what not. I've printed out a LID cookbook and am going to spend some time tonight deciding what looks good and what I can make in advance. I bought non-iodized salt today, so have a tiny start on it... I had such big plans for getting my house uncluttered, but that really has not happened yet. I was a little uncomfortable about it at first, but now I am very thankful that Mom came in and started cleaning my kitchen because I've been able to keep the counters fairly cleared and clean for a month now! The table has not faired as well, but it's not so bad that I shudder when I pass it -- so I think I'll go clean it off while it's on my mind. Maybe, between tonight and Thursday morning, I can get my bedroom uncluttered and all peaceful and serene so I can better enjoy my upcoming isolation!! *queue the story about the little engine that could* But none of the work that needs to be done will do itself (I've been trying that approach for years, to no avail), so I'm off to save my table top!!! Love & hugs y'all 7/9/2005 - Post surgery pictures can be found by clicking on the "Scars" link on the left side of this page. I decided to not put them on the front page because not everyone is interested in looking at scars. Thrilling day here in South Dakota, let me tell you! We went to Satin's Pantry (Sam's Club to the rest of America) ... I love buying in bulk!! Makes me feel rich to try to find places to store 32 rolls of toilet paper (yes, I'm joking). I had wanted to stop at Michaels Crafts, which is right next door, because I found a wire project that looks like it would be cool to make ... then thought better of it because I am still working on my latest crochet creation. Don't buy another project until the one being worked on is completed ... sounds like something a mom would say, doesn't it? I spent about 20 minutes this afternoon standing in the front yard blowing bubbles! It was kind of fun to watch them fly over the roof top. It didn't occur to me that others might find this behavior strange until a car full of older women drove by, staring the entire time ... I'm 38 years old and will do what I please in my own front yard, thank you very much! Maybe I should have intentionally had a wardrobe malfunction and given them something to stare at ... didn't think of that until just now though and would probably have been arrested I suppose. As it was I just smiled and continued to watch bubbles fly over the house. 7/8/2005 (really late at night) - Since I have just under a week before I need to go off my thyroid hormone replacement medication, I thought I would do a little more research into what to expect and hopefully how to cope with it. I found a web page called "Thyroid-Info" and bought the book "Living well with hypothyroidism". I started thinking about some of my family members and friends who have had trouble losing weight and have also been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)... from what I've read, these women may have a higher risk of thyroid diseases, such as hypothyroidism ... Maybe you don't know what the symptoms are or maybe you only have one or two of them, but it is worth asking your doctor about, especially if you have experienced unexplainable weight gain. I mean, seriously, if you are following a fairly nutritious eating plan and getting at least some exercise but continue to gain a pound or two a week, there may be a medical reason for it - and since the thyroid is the major controller of metabolism --- I just think you owe it to yourself to have it checked out. I love you guys and want you to be happy and healthy! I'm not scared of what the coming weeks will be like, however I am a little troubled about experiencing "brain fog", or slower thinking and limited memory retention. With Scott working and unable to take time off during his 90 day probationary period, I'm a bit concerned that I'll be a road hazard trying to drive to doctors appointments and the radiation treatment during that period. My first doctor appointment isn't until the 22nd, which is a Friday - so Scott should be home (unless he's working overtime at AC). I should know by then what my capabilities are, at least I hope so. I had the roll of film with my progression from shortly after surgery until yesterday (the 1 month mark), so maybe I'll get them posted tomorrow ... not sure if they will be on the front page here or if I will create a special page for them. Quite interesting to see the change in my appearance over all from then to now, actually ... I think Dr. Oppenheimer hit the nail on the head when he told me I looked like I had been hit by a truck the morning after surgery :p Love & hugs y'all~ 7/6/2005 - Scott and I both thought he was laid off this week, until 9:00 this morning when the Human Resources person from Arctic Cat called to see if he could work the rest of the week ... including Friday night. It didn't really surprise me all that much, but kind of disappointing in a way because it was nice having him home Monday and Tuesday nights (although he spent most of that time online making up for being off line the week before). Having him work 3 nights this week should help keep him on some kind of schedule, which is a huge positive. Most of last week he was able to sleep, something very rare for him. I finished the afghan I started on June 25, so it took me approximately 11 days to complete that project. I can say, with some certainty, that had I been working during that time I would have gotten no more than a quarter of it completed in that time. A dear friend, from back in the day, sent me an email that rather sums up how I've been feeling lately, about the power of prayer both for healing in our own lives, but in praying for others ~ Shipwreck A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agree that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren. After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing. Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing. Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered. As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?" "My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything." "You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings." "Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?" "He prayed that all your prayers be answered." For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.
7/5/2005 - It was pretty chilly last night, but it was lots of fun. Around 9:00 Scott started setting off the fireworks. As I mentioned last year, I'm glad that our backyard is still an open field because there were even more firework displays this year than last year. It reminded me of watching fireworks on the beach in Westport WA back in 2002, minus the ocean, sand and beach fire of course. Still it was cool. Watching Scott reminded me of some childhood 4th of July memories. I remember one year we had a family reunion of sorts, picnic & fireworks :) At the time my family lived on the same farm as Grandma & Grandpa, on a little hill behind the main house. We had a small front yard, but it was connected to the acre yard of the main house - anyway, that year we all sat up on our front yard while Dad and Uncle Fritz set off aerial displays down near the road. I can't remember how long it lasted, just that it was fun to watch! Sunday I read an Arcticle about the little town of Spencer trying to rebuild 7 years after a tornado destroyed half the town. To draw people to Spencer they are offering free lots, and additional lots for $500. Guess that started my imagination working overtime, because I can picture my new house, with a wrap around porch, sitting in the middle of a huge lot ... trees around the perimeter of the property as well as lining the drive ... roses on either side of the front walk... YIKES, ok stop that now! I promised Scott that I wouldn't think about moving for the next 3 months... Technically though I'm not really thinking about moving, just daydreaming....... 7/4/2005
- Have you ever heard the song from Cinderella that has the phrase "a dream is a wish your heart makes"? After the dream I had last night I seriously hope that they were only referring to happy dreams when they wrote the song. I dreamt that Scott was at work one night and the doorbell rang ... it was my ex-husband. The dream was violent and forced me to remember some painful, buried memories of things that happened back in the early 90's. Why, after all these years, would that man invade my dreams? Some women pine after their ex-husbands, I am NOT one of those women! My mantra, where that man is concerned, comes from a Joe Diffie song that Jo Dee Messina recently redid called "My Give a Damn's Busted" Maybe I have some issues within myself that I didn't resolve then that I have to resolve now, before I can go forward? The dream just freaked me out. Here's wishing all of you a happy & safe 4th of July! lots of Love & hugs!! 7/3/2005 - Friday night/Saturday morning, Scott and I decided to go shopping at Wal-Mart. We needed some grocery items and I needed to replace my answering machine (again). It was about 12:30am and I couldn't believe how many other people were there shopping, with their kids no less! It was pretty nice though because it was still less crowded than going during the day. Since the phone in the kitchen is only a little over a year old, all I was looking for was an answering machine, but all I could find were phones with integrated digital answering service... I broke down and bought one. Saturday afternoon Scott found the cordless phone in the dogs water dish, thanks to Trouble, the Great Moth Hunter! I honestly don't know how that cat gets in some of the places she does, but I digress. Point is, it was a good thing that I bought the phone/answering machine when I did. Yesterday I didn't feel as sad as I had on Friday. Scott played with smoke bombs, bottle rockets and fire crackers on and off all afternoon and then set off a couple aerial displays in the evening. I found myself smiling more watching him play with his explosives than I did while watching him run around the fireworks outlet on Friday. Last night a neighbor down the street was also playing with explosives and had several aerial displays that we could see out of our picture window, so we didn't have to leave the comfort of conditioned air! I thought that was very nice of that neighbor :) 7/1/2005 - (7:00pm) I woke up feeling "different" but couldn't explain how it was different. It was hard for me to muster a smile, but it didn't seem to be depression, at least the way I have experienced it before. I wrote a poem, of sorts, about the moment I determined that the different feeling I was experiencing was a sense of profound sadness -- click on the "Poetry and Prose" link to the left -- it's the one entitled "Fragile moment". Thing is, I felt that profound sadness even before I started thinking about my grandma. Not even watching Scott run around the fireworks outlet store really cheered me up. I hate feeling this sad without really understanding why. It makes me feel like something really bad is going to happen and I'm being prepared for it in advance, which is not easy for others to live/deal/cope with. Scott is trying, but I can tell that my constant need for being held is starting to annoy him. Can't say that I blame him much since it's been going on all day. I still don't know or understand why I feel this sadness, hopefully it will either lift or the reason be revealed to me soon so I can get out of the funk. 7/1/2005 - (7:40am) Happy July! Scott made it home in one piece last night, but could barely keep his eyes open. I was only able to sleep after he arrived home safe, so will probably keep this very short and go try to get a bit more sleep ... just felt compelled to share. 7/1/2005 - (12:00pm the night before, but who's keeping track) - I really don't get this ... how is it possible to break into a sweat doing something non-aerobic like washing dishes? There were only a handful of dishes to be washed, it only took about 15 minutes but by the time I was done the sweat was running into my eyes... It is more of an annoyance, but my eyes are burning now and I hate that feeling because it makes me want to cry more. Maybe I'm supposed to cry, I've used the word cathArctic a couple of different times today ... maybe I'm the one who needs to release some pent up emotions. I've lost touch with one of my closest friends. She doesn't know anything that has happened in my life since Christmas (and my Christmas note was not very informative to say the least). I can't find her phone number and it's not listed that I can find ... she was talking about their family moving, but I can't remember when or where. I could tell her anything and she never judged me, never laughed at me ... I knew the day I met her that she was someone I could trust with my deepest secrets. I've only met two other people that I felt that kind of instant bond with, one of them lives over 2 hours away (makes getting and giving much needed hugs difficult) and the other is an ex-boyfriend (which makes it a much less comfortable situation)... I hate Scott working nights. Maybe he told me this to re-enforce the fact that he's starting to get used to the schedule, but today he told me that Tuesday night he almost fell asleep twice and last night it was only once. He crashed on the couch when he got home last night, but only got about 4 hours of sleep because of the kitchen ceiling fan. He was so tired when he left this afternoon and I really wish he had not told me about the drive home on the two previous nights, because I am such a worrier (think I got that from my mom's mom). My jaw line is aching something awful, so I think it's time to stop typing for tonight. Thanks for tuning in. love & hugs to all |
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Happy 4th of July!