Waterdaughter
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Waterdaughter
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8/29/2005 - Yesterday after work I finally used the Home Depot gift card that Mom & Dad gave me for Christmas last year and purchased a new wet/dry vac (aka shop vac). I'm loving it so far! It works so much better on dog hair and doesn't require expensive bags, plus it doesn't get clogged like my Kirby does. Pets are wonderful, but I think my next pet will be non shedding ;-) Thursday night an appraiser is coming to look at the house. I finally decided that refinancing will be the smart thing to do ... I just hope that I prove myself right. My gut tells me it is the right thing to do, but that could just be indigestion! Work is rapidly feeling more "normal" although I still find my body yearning for a pillow and blanket between noon and 4:00pm... which reminds me, it's about bedtime for me :) Love & hugs y'all :-) 8/28/2005 - It's strange just having two days to work with to get projects around the house done ... heaven forbid I try to work on anything after work!!! Anyway, except for still not liking the whole not seeing Scott until Friday night thing, everything seems to be going pretty darned good. I was looking into a number of different pages that would allow me to post my various ramblings and give you an opportunity to post your comments regarding whatever I rambled about. I guess it would be like a blog, but it would be on my personal website... I found one that I almost know how to use, so might go with that... no promises because I'm still making up my mind and everyone knows that it could take a while for me to finish. 8/26/2005 - I almost can't believe that this week is over! It went very quickly. I really am glad to be back to work, though I am also very glad that it is Friday and I have a couple days to rest up. I seem to feel run down and tired around 3:00, but by the time I get home I'm more awake. Maybe it has always been like that and I just can't remember. I'm feeling pretty good too. Guess I don't have anything else to ramble about right now - so until later, Love & hugs! 8/23/2005 - <insert grumbling sound here> It happened again, I was really tired so went to bed and almost immediately woke up... so I thought I would make a journal entry. Today I was able to get through the rest of my work emails! It was 5:00pm before I knew it. While I'm glad I decided to start right away working full time, I have to admit that I really REALLY miss being able to take a nap during the day and it really seems to hit me around 3:00 in the afternoon. I didn't have any trouble slipping back into the role of being feisty on our departments weekly conference call, it was kind of fun actually. I heard someone comment that I sounded like I was back to "normal" shortly after the call. This is related to work, but not really. Today, one of the adjusting staff came up to me and welcomed me back, telling me how much I was missed and that I was in his prayer chain daily. What struck me most was the fact that in all the years we've worked in the same building I think we have had maybe 10 brief conversations... I guess it made me realize again how one person can touch the lives of so many and that one person may never, ever know it. He and his family are in my prayers tonight, as they deal with a tragic loss in their family. 8/22/2005 - Today was my first day back to work after 77 days of medical leave! I have to say that I was really nervous but excited to go back to work and by the time 5:00 rolled around I was exhausted. I had 681 unread emails, several expired passwords and two programs that were several updates behind and a stack of new manuals and slip-sheets to keep me busy all day. I still have 167 unread emails, but I made progress! I was touched by the warm welcome I received from everyone, most of whom were not expecting me to be back until next week. It was a long, exhausting day, but I'm glad to be back to work. Some things in our personal lives came to light this weekend that inspired me to take a second look at the proposal I received from the lender I wrote about back on the 9th & 10th. I'm thinking now that, perhaps, I should have given this offer more serious consideration. I found out tonight that the application is valid for 30 days, so as long as I make a decision before the end of the month I will get the rate on the proposal... I'm going to crunch a couple more numbers over the next couple days and do some introspective thinking. If I decide to refinance with this company I'm pretty much locked in for 24 months without facing prepayment penalties. I've already lived here for 5 years, so 2 more isn't really a stretch until we start looking at how long Scott is on the road every day and the fact that it might be more practical to move to a city more centrally located between both our jobs. There just isn't anyway to know what is going to happen and I seem to have lost that really cool looking crystal ball somewhere in the mess that is my basement! So, in closing, I had a great day. I feel valued and have the added bonus of knowing that I didn't forget everything I knew about crop insurance over the past 77 days :-) Love & Hugs! 8/16/2005 - Maybe it is a good thing that I ran out of Diet Dr. Pepper yesterday, because I am really feeling like I want to take a nap, so I'm just hoping that I will be able to sleep around bedtime because I've been fighting off the nap all afternoon. My lower jaw feels very strange and tingly. From everything I've read it is normal, but it doesn't change the fact that it feels strange. Other than that, I really don't have much else to ramble about. 8/15/2005 - Holy Hanna! Gas prices just keep climbing higher and higher, don't they? Scott filled my truck up yesterday and told me that the cheapest gas he could find was 2.469! Honestly, I'm not sure what is going to happen when I start working next week and we have to try to keep both gas tanks filled... There is no way that we can continue to afford him driving to Madison every day if gas prices climb to $3.00 or more, so stay tuned to that continuing saga! I can tell that the nerves in my neck are "reconnecting" because the area that I previously had no feeling in almost constantly tingles now. It is a really strange feeling and last night it actually became painful, so in my infinite wisdom I decided to take a couple Darvoset at 1am ... and proceeded to sleep until 10:30 this morning, right through the alarm. I'm hopeful that my sleep schedule will become more normal by next Monday, so I'm not going to give up. 8/13/2005 - Last Saturday I missed my 20 year class reunion because I didn't feel up to driving for 8 hours after the whole RAI and hypothyroid experience. I had been looking forward to seeing everyone again, so was sad to have to miss it. Yesterday I received a card in the mail and was touched to find that so many of my former classmates had taken the time to write messages and best wishes! It was just very touching and I hope they know how much I appreciate the gesture of love and kindness. Scott and I talked about the plans the lender had sent home with me and we came to the conclusion that, although on paper it looks like it would save us money, the only thing we would really be doing is creating more debt for ourselves ... so we are going to tough out the next couple years and get things paid down the old fashioned way and break the cycle of borrowing. 8/10/2005 - Yes, I know I'm a little behind the times, but I was saddened to learn that Peter Jennings passed away Monday. He was one of the only reasons I watched the news when I was a teenager. Very sad news... Yesterday I mentioned that I was going to meet with a lender ... It will probably never cease to amaze me how easily they can make a really ugly proposal look attractive! I signed no paperwork and committed to nothing today, instead I brought both proposals home to review with Scott which will give me time to crunch my own numbers, but the interest rate on one proposal is the same as my current mortgage interest rate and the other interest rate was a little over 1 percent higher!!! I think I liked life better when I was so wrapped up in surgery and recovering that I didn't think about money at all. A small island in the Caribbean is looking better and better ... I could definitely be a beach bum I'm thinking! I really don't have much else to ramble about tonight ... so love & hugs y'all :-) 8/9/2005 - I spent a great deal of time pacing today. I'm really not sure why, maybe because I'm starting to feel unsettled or anxious to get back to work? Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting with a representative from one of the establishments where I have a loan to look into the possibility of getting into a lower interest loan. I have several reservations, but the interest rate she quoted over the phone was 5% lower than what I already have with them so I figured it wouldn't do any harm to look over the 3 proposals she has ready for me. I have no great expectations and know there is no "quick fix". I'm really crabby right now on top of feeling unsettled. I don't really know why I feel so crabby, nothing went wrong today and I actually got some sleep last night. Oh, I received a call from the endocrinologist's nurse today. She confirmed that the radiologist didn't find anything unusual and confirmed that I have an appointment in mid September to go have some blood drawn. 8/8/2005 - Last night I tossed and turned for hours, finally giving up on being able to sleep and sat up until 4 in the morning watching a movie with Scott, who also wasn't able to sleep. After the movie I tried sleeping again, but only tossed and turned for another hour. I think it was around 5 this morning when I finally was able to fall asleep. I slept until noon and have fought off the urge to take naps all afternoon in the hopes of getting back into a more "normal" sleep pattern. Problem now is that I have a rather annoying headache. I don't like the idea of taking medicine to help me sleep, but I think it will be the only way for me to sleep off this headache. Tylenol PM is not supposed to be habit forming and it does seem to knock me out, I just hope it gets rid of this headache as well. 8/6/2005 - Today has been a very lazy day. I slept until about 7 or so, got up, took my synthroid and went back to bed for another 4 hours. I tried to sleep outside, under one of the shade trees, this afternoon, but the dogs kept fighting and almost knocking me off my chair ... so I came back inside with them and they both calmed right down. It is amazing how much they both change when they get inside, it's like having 4 dogs wrapped into 2. Scott got his SD drivers license yesterday! I think I am more excited about him actually having a SD drivers license than he is. He's been talking to some folks who used to work at Mid-West Railcar and is not liking what he's heard about that place. I have always wondered why that company is always running ads and hiring, but the more he hears about it from former employees the better we both understand why the turn around there is so high... I'm just not sure how long we can afford to have him working an hour away from home because it costs between $30 and $35 to fill up either of our vehicles right now and the drive uses 3 tanks of gas every week ... you do the math! The plus is that he is starting to pay child support again, so is still behind, but at least is paying current again. It will most likely take about 4 years for him to get all the back support caught up, about the same amount of time it will take for me to pay back one of my 2 loans against my 401(k) account... Having to pay that much in gas every week right now and knowing that it will be even higher once I start driving to work again myself ... I'm just not sure how to make it all work. The biggest thing for both of us to keep in mind is that what isn't being used on child support and gas is money that we can now put towards getting other bills paid down. I'd rather have him working in Madison than not working at all. Think I've noted this else where, but the financial sink hole we are in right now didn't occur overnight, so it is only logical that it will take time to climb back out of it... just wish I had a little more patience with the whole process. Enough for now y'all. Love & hugs! 8/5/2005 - Yesterday proved to be a very long day indeed. I made it to the hospital for the I-131 whole body scan on time. It was during that scan that I discovered that I have a touch of Closter phobia. Unlike the CT scan I had previously, the I-131 WBS requires a different machine, one that I don't look forward to having to be in again, but will in another 6 months for a follow up scan. Anyway, the WBS required that I lay on this rather narrow table and be moved into what felt like a coffin. I call it a coffin because I couldn't see my feet or anything to the sides, all I could see was this flat screen only inches from my nose with a large cross directly over my nose. It was at that point that panic set in, fortunately I was able to close my eyes and get control of myself rapidly, but that fear was more intense than anything I have ever experienced before. As I mentioned before, I'm not looking forward to going through it again, but know that next time I will request either a towel be placed over my eyes to prevent me from seeing how close that screen is or a valium so I don't care! The entire scanning process only took a couple of hours, so I was able to go back home before my appointment with the endocrinologist. I so wanted to take a little nap between the two appointments but because my little naps are typically a couple of hours long I decided it better to stay awake... The appointment with the endocrinologist was almost pointless because other than him telling me that he didn't see anything alarming on the scans and that he still had to wait for the radiologist's findings, he couldn't tell me anything definitive, didn't draw any blood to see where my TSH level is right now (he wants to wait 6 weeks to check my TSH level) - all he did was listen to my heart and lungs and check to see if my ankles showed any signs of swelling. When I told him that Dr. Helvig said that she was leaving the decision to send me back to work to him and that I would need a signed formal "release to return to work" from him, he laughed. In retrospect, I realize that he was probably not laughing at me, but rather at the absurdity of insurance companies rules and regulations ... however that is not how I viewed it yesterday. I thought he was laughing at me for making such a request. He then told me that I wasn't disabled and should return to work when I feel "human" again. Because I felt he was laughing at me, I was pissed off and probably not all that positive with him from that point forward. I did set up an appointment to return in 6 weeks and left quickly. My plan was to swing by work and let my boss know when I would be returning to work, but since I didn't have a signed form and no solid return date I was confused and frustrated. Unfortunately the closer I got to work the harder it was for me to control my anger over being confused ... and the tears started to fall uncontrollably. I really hate that, you know. I decided that the smarter course of action was to return home, get control of myself and call Dr. Helvig's office. Her nurse was able to get the whole thing straightened out in a matter of hours ... so right now my anticipated return date is the 22nd of August. I am to call her on the 17th to let her know how I'm feeling. My boss suggested that half days would be a consideration for the 1st week, but I feel better and better as each day passes, so I'm 95% confident that half days will not be necessary ... but I'll know much better as I get closer to the 17th. I am thrilled to not be on a special diet any longer! My first meal was a Chili Lime chicken strip basket from DQ with a small double fudge cookie dough blizzard for lunch ... no cheese, but I made up for that with dinner! I woke up kind of early this morning, but fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until 10:30... I really need to try to get back into a more normal schedule... ... I'd ramble more, but I think I'll quit for now. 8/3/2005 - I slept horribly last night, so have been even more exhausted all day today ... but I guess there will be days like today and I just have to deal with them as they come. A wicked storm just blew in and it's power is just awesome. The trees in the back yard are whipping around, yet the hay in the field behind me hadn't blown anywhere yet... anyway, it reminded me of my all time favorite song. It's from the Rogers and Hammerstein musical "Carousel" called "You'll never walk alone". It was sung by two different characters at different points in the musical, both were very emotional - the first when the male love interest died and the other at the end of the musical... When you walk through a storm hold your
head up high I really need to try to calm my mind tonight so I sleep and wake in time to make my 7:45 hospital appointment tomorrow morning. Love & hugs to all 8/2/2005 - So, it's been 5 full days since the RAI treatment and I have to say that I'm more tired now than I was before Thursday. I'm not sure if it was a psychosomatic response to finding out that my TSH was 50 on Thursday **normal for me is between .93 and 1.9** or if my body actually just decided that I needed the sleep ... but I've been sleeping so much the past 5 days I've only showered twice and finally got dressed this afternoon! I can't say that this has been a pleasant experience, because it hasn't and I wouldn't wish it on anyone ... but all things being equal, I'd rather be going through this than actually having to go through normal chemotherapy. Self isolation has been tough on both Scott and I, but I think we've gotten through it pretty good - and about 50 mcg more of a RAI dose would have found me in the hospital being isolated rather than being in my own home. No, it's not fun, but I know that it could have been a lot worse for me - for both of us. I was excited to be awake this afternoon when my mom called from Switzerland! This was her 3rd time trying to reach me since she arrived there. They had just finished performing at a casino that she couldn't pronounce, but I could tell it was exciting for her. She said that the Mott area (not sure I spelled it right) was still her favorite one, personally I think she's biased because that is where her family roots are - and I'm thrilled that she was able to visit. Hearing her talk about the mountains and babbling streams made me feel like she had taken me with her, and in a way she did because she said I have been in her thoughts throughout this trip. I miss talking to my friends, both in person and online ... and I hope to continue to be less tired with every passing day now that I'm back on the Thyroid hormone replacement again. This Thursday morning is when I have the whole body scan and then take the scan results to my endocrinologist that same afternoon, so I'm really hoping to have some definitive answers as to what the status of this cancer is and when I can finally return to work. Getting kind of tired again, so not going to push it. love & hugs to all |
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