12/10/2005
- I had this ramble all typed up and was just about to click "save" when my
computer screen flickered and my program closed itself without saving any of my
work. I'm going to try to recreate it, but can't really remember what all
I wrote about since I tend to put it out of my mind once I've either written or
typed it out.
Every year seems to go faster than the year before starting just after
Halloween. This year I got my holiday letter all typed up and printed out
in mid November when I realized that I not only didn't have any cards, but I
didn't even have envelopes to send the letters in... as a result, that
project has been continually been put off in favor of decorating and browsing
around for gift ideas. With any luck I'll be able to finish my Christmas
card project this coming week and get them sent out BEFORE Christmas!
Scott's finger is healing nicely. He didn't miss any work other than
the day that the accident happened and an hour on the day that the stitches were
removed. He's been walking to work every day for the past 2 weeks, but
it's been below zero for most of those days and I think the novelty has worn
off. There were only a couple of mornings that found me awake enough to be
able to drive him to work, but he still had to walk home. Hopefully we'll
be able to get the tire on his truck fixed soon!!
I was supposed to drive to Anoka, MN with a co-worker on 11/28 and
drive back 11/30, but the day that we were scheduled to head out most of South
Dakota and southern Minnesota was hammered by a winter storm that created
blizzard conditions for us, so we decided to stay home. I can't remember
exactly how many inches of snow we received, but my back yard was beautiful!
I took pictures that have not been devolved yet and I really hope they turn out
because most of them were taken at night with 800 speed film and a night
portrait setting on my camera, however I am not very steady, so I'm sure they
will be blurry. I'm hoping that at least a couple of them turn out though.
Today it was warmer and it rained, so the snow is all lumpy now and not very
pretty.
Why is it that people who normally park in the same spots every day can't
remember how to park once it snows? I parked in my normal spot on
Wednesday, right beside the light pole. I park there almost every day, so
I know exactly how close to the pole I have to be to 1) not hit it and 2) be
inside the yellow lines. Wednesday was no different but I scraped
down to the yellow just to make sure since it had snowed the night before.
Apparently everyone else in that row of the parking lot used a different point
of reference to park and made it look like I had parked in the middle of 3 spots
(which I did, because I had already verified that I was inside my lines) however
the car on either side of me had park over the line far enough for no one else
to park between my truck and their vehicle... so when I was told to move my
truck I grumbled, but did it (mistake number 1) because it made the most sense,
especially since parking is at a premium in our lot. I was just done with
lunch and didn't bother putting on my winter boots (mistake number 2). I
pulled out of my spot and started backing into the next one over and just as I
was about to come to a complete stop my "slippery when wet" shoe slipped off the
break pedal, only for a second, but it was long enough to hear that tell tale
"CRUNCH" coming from the car behind me. I drive a Ford 4x4 truck, the
other car was a little KIA ... can you guess which one had damage? I had
no idea who owned the car & could have probably gotten away with just pulling
out and going to a completely different spot and no one would have been the
wiser - except me and I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I had done
that. Instead I left a note on the windshield and prepared for the worst.
Around 3 I heard my phone ring, but it was an outside call, so it rolled right
into my voice-mail - then about 10 minutes later I was told that I had a
visitor... So, the owner of the car had called the police and we both had
to be outside when he arrived -- you would think that I could have taken the
extra 3 minutes it takes me to put on and lace up my boots, but NO, I stood out
in the snowy cold for about 25 minutes waiting for the grand finale. Now
it's all up to the insurance companies...
It has been YEARS since I've had any kind of auto accident, so I guess I was
due. One of my friends commented that "no good deed goes unpunished" and
the lessons I learned from this little incident were 1) take the time to put on
boots with traction when I have to trudge through the snow to move my truck,
even if it is only to move it over one spot, 2) next time someone tells me to
move my truck in the winter when I'm the only one who parked inside the yellow
lines, I'm going to smile at them sweetly and say "no thank you" and 3) start
parking as close as humanly possible to the huge mountain of a snow pile in the
far corner of the lot because the only thing I can back into there is another
snow pile!
I think that's enough rambling for tonight -- Love & hugs y'all
12/15/2005
- Today I saw my endocrinologist again and tomorrow I get to start the cytomel
to begin the process of going underactive again. My next whole body scan
is slated for the last Friday in January (can't remember the date right now).
Anyway, I was thrilled to learn that this scan will only require a trace amount
of the radioactive iodine, so I won't be forced into self isolation! One
less thing to have to worry about :-)
Just 10 days until Christmas ... and 7 days until I see my family again!!
I haven't seen most of my family since last Christmas so I'm really looking
forward to it.
Nothing else to ramble about right now, so until next time -- love & hugs
y'all
12/16/2005
- It's 1:15 am on Saturday morning .... and I can't sleep for anything.
I hate depression, but I have to face the fact that I probably am depressed.
Everything makes me cry, whether I'm happy or sad, I cry. If honesty is
such a wonderful policy, why does it hurt so much to hear the truth?
Anyway, as I was flipping channels a couple minutes ago to try to fall
asleep, I heard a song that made my last minute Christmas list .... so if you
are looking for ideas for what to get me for Christmas ... Kenny Rogers "I can't unlove you" from the Water and Bridges album... BAH, never mind, it won't
be released until March 2006 ... ok, so maybe in time for my BIRTHDAY!!!!
Maybe I like it so much because it fits my depressed mood? Still, Kenny
Rogers has an amazing voice and can convey so many emotions through song...
Postcards and letters
And pictures made to last forever
To be boxed up and tossed away
Knickknacks and souvenirs
In an afternoon, they're out of here
They'll disappear without a trace
But what they mean to me
Can never be replaced
I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
Intestates and old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess I could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself it's meant to be this way
No matter how I try I can't change
I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
12/17/2005
-- Good morning y'all. It is almost 6:30am and I didn't get much sleep
last night. Guess my sad mood is still in full force this morning because
I heard another song that prompted me to add it to my list of things for
Christmas if you are still looking for gift ideas for Mindy. What can I
say, the song just struck a cord with me this morning. I thought it was
pretty cool that the backup singer on the video is a guy who was hitting notes
higher than I can hit on a normal day.
Artist/Band: Gretchen
Wilson
Lyrics for Song: I Don't Feel Like Loving You Today
Lyrics for Album: All Jacked Up
I don't feel like loving you today,
So don't you even try to change my mind,
The best thing you can do right now,
Is just go away,
Cause I don't feel like loving you today,
I don't wanna talk about last night,
I'm angry and I haven't had much sleep,
And I'm so tired and bloodshot,
There's no tellin' what I'd say,
I don't feel like loving you today,
But you know I will anyway,
Even though we make it hard sometimes,
I'll wind up forgiving and probably loving you,
For the rest of my life,
But I don't feel like loving you today,
And I've got 16 hours left to go,
I might tell you that I'm leaving,
Even though you know I'll stay,
Cause I don't feel like loving you today,
But you know I will anyway,
Even though we make it hard sometimes,
I'll wind up forgiving and probably loving you,
For the rest of my life,
But I don't feel like loving you today,
I just don't feel like loving you today
So, I am kind of proud of myself because I got all the envelopes
addressed for my Christmas cards. Now all I have to do is sign all the
letters, write a more personal note in each card, find stamps and get them
mailed .... and hopefully everyone should get their card just before Christmas
this year, since I have one week left. No, I don't understand why I'm so
sad and am finding even the simplest tasks difficult today, but writing my name
40 times just seems beyond me right now :-/ Yeah, so I need to go get
started if I have any hope of getting them done today.
Love & hugs y'all
12/18/2005
- One holiday stress down, yep, I got all my Christmas cards and letters signed,
sealed and sent yesterday! I don't want to have to lick another envelope
closed for quite a while though, but that project is done :-) Now I have
to start wrapping gifts and hopefully that will go fairly quickly.
Sometime today I should probably wash clothes because it dawned on me that
I'll be in Wisconsin by this time next week and will definitely need clean
clothes. I could probably take a bunch of dirty clothes home and wash them
at Mom & Dad's, but I don't want to spend my time with them washing clothes
either...
I woke up feeling crabby this morning, which is a far cry better than feeling
depressed ... but I still don't like feeling this way. Christmas is
supposed to be a happy time of year, filled with peace, joy and love ... but
right now all I can seem to muster is quiet civility.
I'm not going to ramble further because I fear it will turn quickly into a
rant, and who wants to read that on a Sunday??
Love & hugs y'all
12/20/2005
- Just 5 days until Christmas and I still have gifts to buy, let alone wrap...
Oh well, it will get done before I leave for Wisconsin. To add to my
festive mood yesterday I found out that there may be more Thyroid tissue left
than originally thought. See, back in September they did a Thyglob test to
see how much thyroid tissue was left ... back then it was less than zero ... the
test we just did on Thursday came back at 3.4 -- but Dr. Oppenheimer said "don't
freak out". Yeah, easy for him to say. I'm going to have to come
back to South Dakota a day (or two) sooner because I have to go in for an
ultrasound next week so Dr. O has a better idea of what we're dealing with.
This probably also means that I'll have to do a higher dose of Radioactive
Iodine than just the trace dose in January ... and, of course, another round of
surgery is not out of the realm of possibilities... SO, Merry Christmas to
me!!
I suppose, I should finish getting ready for work ... love & hugs y'all
12/22/2005
- Evening edition... I still
have so many bitter feelings towards John (ex hubby) that it's like a poison
running through me. I thought I had put all of that behind me and moved on,
well, that was until I was introduced to a man who looked at me and talked to me
the way John used to. I felt like I was being inspected by him and he managed to
twist every comment I made into some perversion. Not only did it piss me off,
but also brought back all those memories and long since forgotten feelings of
being used and objectified. I try to avoid men who seem to be much more
interested in having a conversation with my chest rather than listen to anything
I have to say, unfortunately, I wasn't able to avoid this man. It was a very
uncomfortable experience for me. This guy's wife is the kind of person that I
could easily become friends with, but I find myself backing away from that
friendship because I don't want to have to deal with her husband.
What kind of a person does that make me? And why am I still letting the way
John treated me have an effect on my current relationship, I mean, it was over
11 years ago, shouldn't I be completely beyond it by now?? Maybe part of it is
because of the hormonal changes that are taking place in my body as I slip ever
deeper into Hypothyroid land, but for two solid days after meeting John's double
I questioned EVERY thing that Scott said, no matter how innocent or benign the
comment was, looking for indications that he was either lying to or being
unfaithful to me. The only thing that changed was that I met a man who reminded
me so much of my ex husband that I almost became physically ill. Curse my
inability to let go of such old hurts and heartaches... Seriously, how does one
go about letting that kind of pain go?
(Morning edition)
Last night I went shopping and I THINK I'm done shopping for Christmas
gifts. Next year I'm going to "try" to buy a couple gifts every month so I
don't get all stressed out and pissed off at the moron drivers who feel the need
to share the road with me everyday. What am I saying, I'll probably still
get stressed out and depressed, but one can always hope.
This past week has been difficult for me, at best. All of this having
to go hypothyroid stuff SUCKS. Right now my mood swings are so fast and
unpredictable that it's like I have permanent PMS or a mild bi-polar disorder.
I know what I'm going through and can only imagine how much all of this sucks
for Scott because that poor man receives the unfiltered version. The folks
I work with got a little taste of it earlier this week and now I'm trying really
hard to just keep my mouth shut, do my work and not get everyone else all worked
up and worried... I'm glad I have got the next week off and am really
looking forward to spending time with my family, most of whom I have not seen
since last Christmas ... and I'm going to try to be on my best behavior -- like
I said, I'll try.
I've got other things to ramble about, but it's time to take the dogs out and
head to work ...
love & hugs y'all
12/29/2005
- Hope everyone had a good Christmas. My Christmas was really low key this
year. I love spending time with my family and this year was no
different except for being apart from Scott. I had been keeping a little
secret from all of them since December 1st ... Scott asked me to marry him,
well, more accurately "Hey, Mindy ... when are we getting hitched" as he handed
me a beautiful ring with a mystic fire topaz rather than a diamond. My
response was "Don't know, but yes." Everyone seemed genuinely happy for us
when I shared my news, but you know how some people are harder to read than
others? I hope everyone is happy for us because we are happy.
Scott's a good man with a big heart and he does what he can to make sure
I'm both happy and safe.
Our family decided to make it a more fiscally responsible Christmas and
didn't really set a dollar limit on gifts, but we all agreed to not get very
much for each other. I was happy to get what I did and got a kick out of
watching the expressions as everyone else opened their gifts ... and my sister
did NOT disappoint! Scott had looked all over before he found what he
thought was the perfect gift for my sister ... a purple Santa hat that had
"Spoiled" embroidered across the ... she started giggling as she pulled the hat
out of its package and had be biggest smile. The hat looked really good on
her by the way :-)
Monday afternoon I started sneezing my head off - didn't know if it was
just because it was so dry in the house, or what, but I purposely tried to avoid
lots of contact on Monday evening when we all got together with Mom's brother
and his family. I spent almost all of Tuesday wrapped up in a blanket
either sleeping on the couch or in Mom's chair. Mom and Dad both had upset
tummies from eating all the richer than normal foods over the course of the
weekend, but neither of them seemed to have the congestion and cough. I
had really hoped that I would feel better on Wednesday for my trip back to South
Dakota, but guess my body had other ideas... I made it back to South
Dakota in one piece, thank the Lord. I couldn't sleep last night until I
finally decided to rob pillows from the spare bed to prop myself into a more
upright position. Today I spent the day laying on the couch bundled in a
blanket, but couldn't sleep. Scott picked me up some Nighttime (think it's
like NyQuil), so I'm hoping that I'll be able to get better sleep tonight.
It is hard to get better when you can't get a decent nights sleep.
Next ramble will probably contain some medical stuff, since I get to have an
ultrasound of my neck in the morning ... YAY ME!!!
Love & hugs y'all
12/30/2005
- Today I got to experience what it is like to have an ultrasound done on the
neck. First I got to undergo the ritual weigh-in while clad in my bulky
sweater and winter boots - and just shook my head when the nurse exclaimed "Hey,
you are down a pound from the 15th, not bad for it being Christmas and all"
Then Dr. O came in and we talked about my last appointment, kind of like
reviewing the minutes of the last board meeting before getting on with the
current board meeting ... anyway, his biggest concern this time is that my tumor
marker went from .8 back in August to 3.4 in December. Guess that is too
rapid an increase so on to the ultrasound we went. I didn't realize that
stuff they squirt on to do the ultrasound was so gooey. A couple of times
I heard Dr. O say " I'll be damned if I can find anything " - then I guess he
had an "Eureka" moment. He had me turn my head a bit so I could see what
he was seeing. Apparently there is one little spot, hiding behind some
large blood vessels that "could" be the cause of the tumor marker increase, but
it is next to impossible to biopsy (because of the blood vessels) and he doesn't
want me to undergo surgery again based on "well, we think it might be something"
and have it be nothing. SO, the current plan is to give me a "treatment"
dose on the 25th rather than a trace dose ... and then I'll have the WBS on
February 1. If there is any good to this it is that I only have to stay
away from people for 3 days rather than 5 this time, so maybe I'll be up to
taking Scott out for his birthday on the weekend since I'm getting the treatment
dose on his birthday.
Scott expressed his concerns regarding my weight and overall health ... I
didn't really mean to, but have to admit that I fell off the exercise wagon
shortly before my surgery this past June and then slipped into a spiral of
apathy and depression, which apparently are detrimental to weight loss ...
anyway, he commented that I'm almost always angry and/or sad (true) and that I
was happier when I was exercising more frequently ... overall he's just worried
about me - not that I'm suddenly unattractive to him, but that my health is at
risk. So, this afternoon I started walking again ... only for 15
minutes, but that is more than I had done for almost 6 months. No, I am
NOT going to call is a resolution for the new year, just dusting off an old
routine that I had left in the corner for too long.
12/31/2005
- As the year 2005 draws to a close ... well, honestly, it feels like it is just
another day - much like my birthday. I don't know what 2006 holds in store
for me, but doubt that it will be much different that 2005 ... of course, this
all remains to be seen. Since I'm still a bit under the weather and Scott
isn't feeling all that great himself, we opted to stay home this New Year's
Eve... maybe next year we'll both feel like going out and doing something
different.
Kind of short, but Happy New Year y'all
love & hugs
rethguadretaW
